Desperado
by Benedetta
Summary: Song-fiction, answering a Desperado Challenge on JAGnick FanFic board. Set in beginning Season 8. Harm is in his apartment, thinking about his birthday.


Title: "Desperado" Author: Benedetta (feedback is highly appreciated. Post to: benedettaonjag@yahoo.com.au) Rating: PG Disclaimer: Don't own Mac & Harm. never did, never will. Spoilers: Everything up to beginning Season 8, but not really following it Summary: Song-fiction, answering a Desperado Challenge on JAGnick FanFic board. Set in beginning Season 8. Harm is in his apartment, thinking about his birthday. Author's Note: Thanks to Amy for betaing!  
  
Harm's Apartment North of Union Station 25 October 2002 - 02.30 EST  
  
It's my birthday today. More like yesterday, I should say. Thirty-nine. Jeez, next year the big 4 are coming up. Sort of hits close to home, you know? It's really late and I should sleep. Instead, I'm laying awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking.  
  
It has been a good day today, somehow bittersweet 'though.  
  
It started with mum calling early this morning. She said something about wanting to be the first one to say "happy birthday" to "my baby". Baby. She normally doesn't use this sort of endearments for me. Besides the fact that it would sound a bit ridiculous applied to my six-foot frame and current age. I think she stopped considering me a baby when dad was shot down. I remember hearing her sobbing one night and walking into her room. She was curled up in bed, her shoulders shaking. I remember that I thought she looked like a doll, a fragile porcelain doll, lost in that big empty bed. I walked up to the bed and put a hand on her shoulder. She opened her eyes and, for seconds stretching like hours, she just stared at me, so much pain in those eyes, before pulling herself together and trying to murmur that everything was fine. I sat on the bed next to her, stroking her arm softly and whispering: "Don't worry, baby, now it's not, but it's going to be fine, WE are going to be fine". I remembered that Dad called her "baby". From that night on, until Frank came into our lives, I was the man of the house, no more "baby" for me. Frank. Frank was much younger that I am now, when he walked into our lives, bringing some happiness back for my mum and loving an hostile teenager like his own son, without ever asking anything in return. I don't know if I would be able to do that. Well, I would have loved Josh as my own, had Annie and I worked out, but Josh idolized me, I wasn't even "friendly" towards Frank. Josh... Annie.so many lost chances in my life. I guess that's when today started to feel strange.  
  
When I walked into JAG this morning, Harriet was the first one to come up and wish me "happy birthday", a sweet smile on her face. Bud and her are handling the accident really well. I mean, there is tension, there are ups and downs, but, hey, life is not a TV drama where everything falls into place by the end of the episode, is it? They are supporting each other through this and they are not shutting each other out, most of the time at least. I'm proud of them. I'm jealous of them.  
  
I was ashamed of myself for having such a feeling. How did I dare to be jealous of a friend and in such a context? Thing is, I was. I'm not getting any younger and today was a clear reminder of it, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have what those two have. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have the guts to go out there and get what they have. Bittersweet.  
  
I walked into my office and found a piece of answer to the questions above. On my desk there was a little squared package, wrapped in silver paper, a delicate light blue ribbon on it. It amazes me sometimes how my "tough as nails" Marine can come out with so feminine and considerate gestures, like paying so much attention to wrapping a present. She was not in her office, I knew that she had court, so I closed my door and opened my present. It was a book, "There's No Such Place As Far Away" by Richard Bach. Inside she wrote: "Found it in the library and thought about you. By an aviator to an aviator. Sarah". I started reading it, it was a short book and it would have taken just few minutes. Maybe I shouldn't have spent like this my time in the office, but it was my birthday today, cut me some slack. I found myself smiling by the end of the book. My Marine had amazed me once again. I'd never guessed her as such a softie. It was a "friends" book, so she was playing safe, but it could have been so much more. It sounded also like an acknowledgment of a new level of understanding between us, the one where we start each other sentences and we don't need to be "next" to each other to feel "close". Still, this new level keeps us in "no man's land" and this thought erased the silly grin from my face. Bittersweet.  
  
I keep staring at my ceiling and sigh. Nice ceiling, but it's a bit too dark to discuss his aesthetic value.  
  
The rest of the day passed by in a blur, Mac still in court and various people showing up to say "happy birthday". It's nice to feel that people care about you, it was a good day, but I wasn't able to erase the sour taste in my mouth, the feeling that I was missing out on something, the feeling of loneliness, even if surrounded by my friends. Bittersweet.  
  
We all ended up at McMurphy's for birthday drinks. Mac was there too, a smile on her face, relaxed and so amazingly beautiful. I told her that I liked the book, teasing her about being a softie. She laughed, a happy, relaxed laugh, without holding anything back. Maybe "no man's land" was not such a bad place, after all. We had a good night, a nice night among coworkers, who are also family. A game of pool, some good laughs and a nice chat. Throughout the whole evening, 'though, I couldn't get rid of this bittersweet feeling that made my heart ache every time I looked at Mac. I guess she felt it, because she asked me if I was ok. I lied, knowing that she would have read it in my eyes anyhow. She knows me all too well.  
  
In order to distract her and avoid an interrogation I didn't have answers for, I asked her to dance. Her body fitted so nicely in my arms, her hair smelled sweet and I liked its silky texture against my cheek. We were just following the music, no words needed, no more questions asked. .Then, a new song came on.  
  
"Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? You been out ridin' fences for so long now Oh, you're a hard one I know that you got your reasons These things that are pleasin' you Can hurt you somehow"  
  
Why did this sound so familiar? I felt Mac pulling me closer, right when I started to pull back, and I hugged her back. "Riding fences for so long", for too long now. I have my reasons, of course I do. They are a woman sobbing on a bed at night in my childhood, a woman dying on a carrier, others walking away, because I couldn't let go.  
  
"Don' you draw the queen of diamonds, boy She'll beat you if she's able You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet  
  
Now it seems to me, some fine things Have been laid upon your table But you only want the ones that you can't get  
  
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin' Your prison is walking through this world all alone"  
  
No, I "ain't getting' no younger" and I can't stand to be "walking through this world all alone" anymore. It hurts so much, it just hurts so much. I felt Mac burying her face in the crook of my neck and I pulled her closer, if "closer" could exist, resting my cheek on her hair. Her warmth, her softness, and I'm not talking just about her body pressed against mine, warming my heart.  
  
"Don't your feet get cold in the wintertime? The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine It's hard to tell the nighttime from the day You're loosin' all your highs and lows Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?  
  
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you You better let somebody love you, before it's too late"  
  
I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was drowning, the helplessness of my situation dawning on me. No snow, no sun, no highs, no lows, my life passing by in JAG cases, dreams of flying away, no guts to take a leap of faith. But, then Mac pulled back and looked into my eyes and I found myself lost in those brown depths, words coming out of my mouth before I could stop them: "Is it really too late?" She smiled. Just that. She smiled and said: "You know, it's not, Flyboy, just let me in".  
  
It's wintertime, but my feet are not cold anymore. It's night, but I know that tomorrow the sun will shine, I know that tomorrow there will be a rainbow above me. I know all of this, because, right now, Sarah is asleep in my arms, keeping me warm, keeping the sun shining, keeping the rainbow above us. This day might have started bittersweet, but now his end is just pure bliss. No sense in keeping staring at the ceiling. Good night. 


End file.
